Last October I decided to stop dying my grays and let my natural color grow out. I wanted to do this for years, but didn’t have the guts thinking that to be prematurely gray before 40 was nuts. Could I really do it and not immediately turn into a frumpy old lady?
I really wanted to stop having to dye my hair every 5 weeks, but more than that I wanted to feel okay with my natural hair no matter the color it was becoming.
I'd contemplated shaving my head and starting from scratch. While I loved seeing the transformation of women going from long to shaved heads on Youtube, the mere idea of it had me questioning my ideas of feminine beauty and all the societal messages of long hair being the most desired.
I cried as I journaled out my fears of shaving my head. From not feeling beautiful to my husband divorcing me (I can't believe I'm admitting that one, but it's the truth). Really went way deep into the negative spin cycle of my brain there.
I put this idea on the back burner as I let my roots grow out. I got a long bob and figured I'd slowly have an inch cut at a time until the dye was no more. It wasn’t until a week before my latest hair appointment that the idea of cutting all the dye off felt right.
I decided to move through my fears and get a pixie cut. On the first day of Mercury Retrograde at that. For those not in the know, Mercury Retrograde has a reputation of being the worst time for big decisions and new haircuts.
How my hair looked a year ago.
This is me in my car before I went into the salon
With this decision I took a leap of faith that it’d turn out, I’d feel good, and look good too. While I had a second of panic once I got to my car it faded for excitement and a slight adrenaline rush.
Can you see that slight look of panic on my face?
It may only be hair, but as women we know how tied into our self worth and identity our hair is. Sure it's less so now, but there are still classic beauty standards that are still being dismantled and are a part of us passed down generation to generation.
I wasn’t sure I’d be the same after and honestly I’m not the same, but in good ways. I smile at myself more in the mirror while playing with my new hair, I feel more animated in my facial expressions, there’s a sense of lightness with the weight lifted, my husband loves rubbing my head, and I was pleasantly amazed that my natural dark brown returned more with just a shimmer of silver running through.
While it's just hair and it's also much more. It’s deciding to do what feels right for ourselves even if it goes against the “norm.” It's bucking tradition and taking a personal stance for what feels right in your soul.
In the beginning this short hair was a temporary state so that I can grow my hair out in its natural color, but now I'm leaning into it more and might just keep it short for the foreseeable future.
What about you? Is there something a small voice within is itching for you to try with your appearance, but you have been too afraid to go for it? I'd really love to know so leave a comment below!
Thanks for reading,